Growing Pain

I can be such a fearful person. I try not to let it show. But it seems, as I’ve gotten older, I let my imagination get away from me. I have the hardest time with fear if I am by myself. Alone.

“I think I’ll go for a short hike.” – “What if someone or something attacks you?”

“I’d like to go out to a restaurant.” – “People will think you are a loser and have no friends.” (So I’d order it to-go and eat in the car. Talk about looking like a loser! LOL)

“Yoga would be fun!” – “You won’t know anyone there.”

The past couple of years have been a time of growth. It hasn’t been easy. It’s been downright hard at times. Having one of my kids diagnosed with a life changing illness, dealing with the insurance, leaving a beautiful home and good friends, new job, new city, knowing that we’d be moving again within the year, and in to a small trailer (what was I thinking when I agreed to this?), dealing with the SoCal traffic. Oh Lord, there were days when I’d arrive at work and all I wanted was a good stiff drink and a dark closet to hide in. Not good when it’s 8am and you work at a Christian Seminary. They tend to look down on that kind of behavior.

Last week Maury and I went to San Diego to visit his cousin. He took us to a little lake where the local fly fishing club hangs out and gives lessons to whomever asks. We went, we asked, we received. In the past I’d watched Maury and his friend Jim fish on the river. It looked so relaxing. Water is so healing to my soul and I crave it’s company often.  I tried something new and I loved it! I was hooked!

We got back to the house and I jumped on YouTube to watch fly fishing videos. Then I found a video on how to tie flies. What?! This is could be the perfect combination of arts & crafts and a sport. What’s not to love?

So, being the crafty gal that I am, Maury and I headed to the nearest fishing store. I came home with the basic tools to begin tying flies and an invitation from the sales associate to go to the Long Beach Casting Club meeting to learn how to tie flies. How could I be so lucky?

But of course, it is at a time when Maury can’t go. I’ll have to go ALONE.

Guess what? At this very moment, I am sitting on the beach (by myself), to which I drove-in the LA traffic (by myself), I am going to go to dinner (by myself, and I’m not going to eat in the car), and I will be going to that meeting to learn about fly fishing-BY MYSELF.

What a year it has been, but I see positive growth that has come only because of the uncertainty, fear, tears and frustrations.

In all of the pain, God is good.


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